I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
