some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
