yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
