There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
