I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
