He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
