How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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