Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
