Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
It's Friday. Sex?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
