I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
