I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She's the barista slut.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I need to sanitize my soul.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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