So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize