walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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