Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
