If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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