Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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