How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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