That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
