I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i think i just naturally attract stoners
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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