wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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