i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
