Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize