we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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