Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
