so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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