I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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