i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
