For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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