i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
