The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
