I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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