Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
