I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
