i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
