I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize