He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
