Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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