my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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