How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
