First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
