I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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