I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize