Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
