I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
