I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize