I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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