believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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