How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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