She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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