I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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